The Radical Self-Care Free Online Course - Step 5: Play

Play.

Play is essential to being happy and vibrant. Stop being so serious! Find time to laugh and have fun. Let your hair down. Sing in the car really loudly with the windows open - I do!

What happens to adults that they don't know how to play anymore? And I mean, really play, like children do, carefree and silly?

Something happens in between children and adulthood that we lose our capacity to really let go and have fun without external stimulation. Consider how many people, when they go out for a night on the town, need to have a drink or two to "loosen up." Why is this necessary? Why the need for the alcohol?

People need alcohol to loosen up because they don't feel safe or comfortable doing so otherwise. The alcohol becomes an easy "trigger" to allow oneself to act stupid without fear of reprisal. After all, you can always say later it was the alcohol. (The irony, of course, is that under the influence you may end up doing something truly stupid, like driving drunk, which would actually be much more embarrassing as well as dangerous.)

Women and Play
Women in particular have a hard time allowing themselves to play when they get older, especially if they put themselves into the role of mother and wife. Our culture, for some reason, seems to put women into a box where, once you hit 35, you are expected to button down and not have fun anymore.

I heard a woman describe her family life once. She actually said she was a "slave" to her child. Strong words, and worth pondering for a moment. A few questions to consider:

1. Is it possible that women sometimes take their roles as mothers too seriously?
2. If a mother is spending all her time disciplining and "mothering" the child, where is there time for her to simply have fun with her child?
3. Why is it common to see media images (in films, on TV) where men are "playing" with their boys by throwing around a baseball, but we never see women doing this?

Women who are not mothers have their own pressures. One is the pressure to look pretty. There is an unspoken rule in our culture that pretty and funny cannot exist in the same space. In the comedy world, comedy teachers actually used to teach students that "women aren't funny." That's a fact.

The societal expectations on women to be demure, poised, and princess-like can often stifle them from the ability to let loose and play.

Men and Play
Men may seem to have it easier, but do they? For many men, the traditional role of the breadwinner can be a creative straitjacket that keeps them working long hours and focused on the basics of food and shelter. Men do have outlets such as sports, but as they become adults, these outlets become spectator sports instead of participatory sports.

A man is supposed to get his "toys" as he gets older, but these so-called "toys" are in fact just outward manifestations of his capacity as a breadwinner. If a man has a nice new car as a "toy," it's not so much an object of play as much as it is an object of status.

Men are also caught between the stereotypes of the successful man in a suit vs. the bohemian artist who is perhaps more free but poor and unworthy of long-term female companionship. When we consider the artistic male, we are confronted with negative portrayals of drug-addicted Peter Pan rockers, maudlin, alcoholic writers stuck up in dusty, cheap garrets, or - heaven forbid - flamboyant homosexuals.

So while men may on the surface appear to have more options for play and creativity than women, their path is still fraught with social expectations and obstacles.

Finding Play
Finding ways to play when you are an adult can be difficult but well worth it. They could include taking a creativity workshop that focuses on play, participating in a sports team, playing with your children (playing with, not supervising), or finding other ways to release your inner child.

YOUR HOMEWORK - PLAY!

1. Write down a list of your roles and expectations and how they might interfere with your ability to play and be free. Can you find a way to bring some play to these roles?

2. Identify some things you enjoyed to do as a child, and come up with "adult" versions. Try these on for size.

BONUS: Spend some time around children and really observe how they play. If you can, play along with them.

Please share your homework and observations in the forums.